Why moms are sick being told they need self-care

When I first had our daughter, Effie, my mom would come over and offer to watch her while I got my nails done. In truth, I wasn’t ready to leave the house without her. I felt guilty and nervous and too sweaty and disheveled for public consumption.

But it was an incredibly generous offer and it is not lost on me how special it was that I had family who was close and willing to help. However, the reality of this little excursion outside the house is that Effie would usually make it about 20 minutes before she’d start screaming for me to come home and feed her. I would have just situated my butt in the manicure chair only to be summoned back home with half painted nails and no actual feeling of rest or relaxation.

This is really our modern-day stereotypical version of self-care: painted nails, a walk outside, showering, and drinking enough water so our eyes don’t click (out of pure dehydration) when we blink.

When moms are weary and exhausted or even struggling, and so many moms are struggling, we are offered these lists of self-care strategies that usually result in a half-hearted smile or a head nod acknowledging “yes, I probably need to do this stuff” but internally rolling our eyes because who has the dang time?! And, does it actually move the needle or offer any lasting feeling of relief?!

I want to put forward three reasons why typical self-care is missing the mark and what works better instead.

1.   List of self-care strategies just give moms more to do in the time we don’t have.

The problem with these prescribed lists of self-care ideas is that us moms already have too much on our plates. We have lists of things to do coming out of our wazoo and now we’re supposed to add ourselves to the list. Nah, that’s an easy line item to cut. The other piece to lists of self-care ideas is that when we don’t get to what’s on our list, we are left feeling guilty or like we’re falling short. We don’t need more reasons to feel like we aren’t cutting it, and this just perpetuates the experience of burnout and exhaustion in motherhood.

2.    Lists don’t address the deeper issues.

When a mom is presented with a list of self-care ideas, there is a really important assumption being made and it’s that this mom has absolutely no guilt about asking for the time, space, and resources to accomplish these things on her list.

In my experience working with women, I’ve found that most women have feelings of guilt asking for this time or they struggle to even identify what they need. So, when they actually get the precious time, they don’t know how to spend it or what will fill them up.

3.   Self-care lists are almost always about our physical bodies.

Almost every suggestion when it comes to self-care has to do with our physical bodies. Take a walk, drink water, take a shower, exercise, get a facial, eat healthy food, sleep when the baby sleeps, I could go on. However, we are not just physical bodies, we are whole humans with thoughts and emotions and willpower. We have other parts of ourselves that offer alternative areas where we can insert deep care.

Also, when we focus on the grooming aspects of our physical selves, we neglect something that is really important which is that we need to listen to our bodies because they have meaningful messages to share. As women, and moms specifically, we are notorious for ignoring our aches and pains and chalking them up to just normal mom stuff.

Oh your back hurts, probably from carrying the baby.

Oh your stomach is bloated, mom life, am I right?!

Rather we don’t need to just get the latest and greatest skincare (unless you want to then knock yourself out), we need to tune into our bodies and respond when they are speaking to us.

The way forward

Moms don’t need more lists, moms need a plan that they can implement in the small moments of time they get throughout their day. Moms are the master managers of all of the people and all of the things but we don’t always turn that same skillset toward ourselves. But we have the skillsets. We teach our kids to honor and express their emotions, to see themselves in a positive light, to assert their needs, prioritize in a way that feels good, and care for and love their bodies. We need to do the same for ourselves. We need to learn to mother ourselves like we mother our kids.

I believe the antidote to those tired lists of self-care strategies is a targeted and efficient plan for moms to regularly check-in with themselves and make small adjustments.

You don’t need to wait until you finally get that week-long vacation to feel better, rather when you get in the practice of tuning into you and asking yourself what you need you will start to, little by little, make your way back to you.

If you’re ready for a manageable plan that actually fits in the busyness of your daily life, you’ll love my book Love Your Kids Without Losing Yourself: 5 steps for busy moms to banish guilt and beat burnout.

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For Moms in ALL Seasons of Motherhood!
“This book is a must-read for all mothers, whether you’re just starting your motherhood journey or have been on it for years. From the moment I opened this book, I was captivated by Dr. Morgan’s insightful and compassionate writing. She shares her own experiences and vulnerabilities, letting you know you’re not alone in your journey of motherhood. What truly sets the book apart is that it’s not full of things to add to your already long list of how to be a better mother, therefore adding to the guilt you already carry, but it gives simple perspective changes that have profound impacts on how you view yourself which directly impacts your relationships with others. I cannot recommend it enough and am grateful for the positive impact it has had on my own journey as a mother.”

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Highly recommended for struggling moms!!
“I FEEL SO SEEN. I’ve read a variety of self help and parenting books since becoming a mom over three years ago, and not one of them has helped me in the slightest compared to this book. Not only are the directions simple, step-by-step and very clear, but I feel like she covered the gambit of what I’m going through. It felt like she was talking to me specifically!!! I’m beyond glad that I purchased this book physically, it’s going to be highlighted and referenced a ton over the past several years. Thank you so much Dr Cutlip!!”