Why We Keep Fighting About “Nothing” in Marriage—and What’s Really Going On

My husband and I got into a pretty significant fight on the very first day of our family vacation in Cabo.

Which… wasn’t exactly the plan.

I want to share this story because there’s an insight here that I think a lot of couples are bumping into, but rarely name.

I’m sure you’ve been here before. These are the kinds of arguments that feel like landmines. You think you’re casually strolling into a normal, even pleasant conversation, and suddenly it explodes in your face.

You’re left thinking, How did we even get here?
Or worse: We can’t talk about anything without it turning into a fight.

If that sounds familiar, my hope is that this story helps normalize that experience and helps you see what might actually be happening underneath it.

The Moment Everything Went Sideways

Here’s the setup.

It’s day one of our vacation. We’re by the pool. Our daughter is swinging on a rope swing nearby, our son is off on the water slides, and for the first time in a while, my husband and I are just… there. Together.

A little context matters here: my husband travels every single week for work. So while we have a strong relationship, our reality is that he is often physically not present so having times where we are together and alone is sort of rare.

If I had to name my “love language” at this stage of life, it wouldn’t fit neatly into a the 5 love languages laid out by Gary Chapman. It’s quality time, yes, but more specifically, deep, unrushed, conversation. The kind where you dream together. Talk about the future. Imagine what you want your family life to feel like.

Those conversations light me up. And because of his travel, they don’t happen as often as I’d like.

So there I am, lying by the pool, feeling present, relaxed, connected, and honestly really grateful. And I start reflecting out loud about how nice it feels to be together like this, how good it is to step away from work and responsibility and just enjoy our family.

And then I say something like:

“This is so nice. I wonder if we should consider doing more experiential gifts for Christmas.”

In my mind, this was a compliment to his stellar family-vacation planning. A dream. An invitation. A values-based musing about what we want to prioritize as a family.

In reality?

I had just stepped on a landmine. BOOM.

Two Completely Different Conversations Happening at Once

What followed was a lecture about budgeting, spending, financial responsibility, and how trips like this don’t just magically happen.

Are we made of money?
Do I realize how much planning goes into this?
Do I understand what it takes to make these things possible?

And I remember thinking: Wait… what? Am I in trouble? Did I irresponsibly spend on something I have zero recollection of?

Because that’s not what I was talking about.  At. All.

I wasn’t suggesting we spend more. I was actually suggesting fewer physical gifts in favor of experiences. I was dreaming. Connecting. Imagining. Just floating an idea.

But here’s the part that matters: while I was lying there in connection-mode, my husband was lying there in a completely different internal world.

Understanding His Context Changed Everything

My husband was coming off intense budgeting meetings at work. His region was slightly behind. He was deep in provider mode…financial planning for our family—investments, taxes, retirement, paying off our house, thinking long-term about security and freedom.

That entire invisible mental load was active for him in that moment.

So when he heard my comment, he didn’t hear connection.
He heard pressure.
He heard spending.
He heard another thing to manage.

Neither of us was wrong.

But we were absolutely NOT talking about the same thing.

Once I slowed the argument down enough to name this, everything shifted. The gist of what I said was this:

“My intention was connection and dreaming. Your intention is protection and responsibility. We’re coming from two completely different vantage points.”

And then, the fight made sense.

The Real Issue Couples Miss

This is what I see over and over again in couples: two people bringing entirely different internal contexts into a conversation—without realizing it.

Each person’s nervous system, mental load, stressors, and priorities shape how they interpret what’s being said. And when those internal worlds remain invisible to each other, misunderstandings pile up fast.

One person thinks they’re connecting.
The other thinks they’re being criticized or overwhelmed.

And both walk away feeling unheard, frustrated, and like every freaking conversation they try to have with one another just leads to another disagreement.

In this moments, the problem isn’t really what’s being said, it’s the unseen context underneath it.

How to Avoid These “Landmine” Conversations

You can’t eliminate misunderstandings entirely. But you can reduce how often they blow up by doing a few key things:

1. Name your intention before the content.
   A simple “I’m just dreaming out loud here” or “I’m not asking for a decision right now” can completely change how something lands.
2. Get curious about your partner’s internal world.
   If a reaction feels bigger than the moment, it probably is. Ask what else is going on for them instead of defending your point.
3. Assume different contexts, not bad intentions.
   Most conflict isn’t about selfishness or disregard, it’s often about two people carrying different invisible loads.
4. Slow the conversation down.
   When things escalate quickly, that’s a cue to pause and organize what’s actually happening instead of pushing harder.

When couples learn to see beyond one another’s words and actually get into each other’s internal worlds things start to change.

You stop worrying if you “just don’t get along anymore” or feeling unsafe to bring things up to your partner for fear it will blow up in your face. And you start feeling like you’re in it together.

So despite a crappy start to our family vacation, we were able to recover quickly and have some really productive conversations about both our family budget and also our values and goals for the year ahead.

If you’ve ever walked away from a conversation thinking How did that turn into a fight? There’s a good chance defensiveness is getting activated before either of you even realizes it.

I created Done With Defensiveness to help couples identify why this incredibly common issue shows up in their relationships and then equip them with practical, clarity-building tools to de-escalate it without tiptoeing, over-explaining, or shutting yourself down. When defensiveness dissipates, conversations stop feeling like landmines and start feeling workable again.

If you’d like to learn more about my targeted audio-course Done with Defensiveness, just click here.