The Hidden Reason Initiative Dies in Relationships: And what our birthday party fights revealed about the mental load

For years, my husband and I fought about birthday parties. It was even the opening story of my book, A Better Share.

He was always “at the ready” and willing to help, but just waiting for his “orders” which left me to be the manager of ALL the things. I appreciated this but at the end of the day, I ended up usually just doing it all besides unloading the car at the park on party day.

Because sometimes thinking it all through, having that running list in your head, and then also having to explain it to someone else was just more trouble than it was worth.

But the dynamic drove me crazy, and I knew something had to give.

This year, we did things very differently. (I shared the full breakdown of how we successfully shared the load for my son’s birthday party in another post.) But there’s one small moment from this year that I want to zoom in on, because it reveals a pattern I see all the time in couples.

And it’s subtle.

The Paper Plate Moment

This year, my husband genuinely stepped into initiative and it was awesome.

We had a shared note with all the tasks laid out. He didn’t ask me what to do. He didn’t wait for instructions. He went to the store, took care of things, marked them off, and let me know so I wouldn’t duplicate work.

One of the things he picked up?
Paper plates.

Objectively: amazing.

A few days later, I went into the garage to look at the party supplies he bought… and I immediately noticed the plates.

They were awful. Truly hideous. I realize that sounds silly. They’re plates, what’s the big deal?! But the party had a motif, and these plates had no business being there.

Now, here is what I want to highlight.

In my husband’s mind, he bought plates. That’s all the note said and those plates were functionally exactly spot on.

·   The plates would hold food

·   The cost per plate was good

·   They were sturdy

·   Task complete

In my mind, I had a completely different set of priorities:

·   It was a baseball party

·   There was a color theme

·   The tablecloth was red checkered

·   I wanted everything to look cohesive

Same task.
Totally different lenses.

Where Couples Get Stuck

This is the moment where a lot of couples unknowingly derail progress.

The default partner (often women) looks at the outcome and thinks:
He messed this up.
He should have known.
Why didn’t he ask me?

And then…sometimes subtly, sometimes directly…criticism creeps in:

·   “Why didn’t you check with me?”

·   “Didn’t you realize I’d have a theme?”

·   “He never gets it right.”

What’s happening underneath isn’t really about plates.

It’s about moralizing standards.

Standards vs. Moralized Standards

There’s nothing wrong with having standards.
There is a problem when we turn our personal preferences into moral rules.

When aesthetic preferences become “doing it right.”
When unspoken expectations become “you should have known.”
When our way becomes the only acceptable way.

That’s when initiative starts to die.

Because the message your partner hears, even if you don’t intend it…is:
You tried, and it still wasn’t good enough.

Over time, that leads to a very predictable story, that leads to partner’s disengaging with this type of work and it sounds like:

I never get it right anyway, so why bother trying?

And that’s how an attempt at initiative turns starts to morph into passivity.

The Control–Passivity Loop

I say this often because it shows up everywhere in relationships:

The more controlling one partner becomes, the more passive the other tends to get.

And the more passive one partner becomes, the more controlling the other feels they have to be.

And the way out of that loop isn’t lowering your standards or pretending things don’t matter.

It’s taking responsibility for communicating and aligning on standards.

Owning My Part

When I looked back at that moment, the truth was clear:

If a color scheme mattered to me, it was my responsibility to say so.

I didn’t.

So when I saw the plates, I had a choice:

·   Criticize and shut down initiative

·   Or appreciate his effort and own my preferences

We laughed about it. I told him it wasn’t his fault. And I said, “This part matters to me, so I’m going to switch out the plates.”

No blame.
No correction.
No rewriting the story of his effort.

And that choice mattered.

Because most of the time, these aren’t life-or-death issues.
They’re little deals, but they carry big emotional weight.

Handled well, they increase teamwork and trust.
Handled poorly, they reinforce resentment and withdrawal.

Why This Matters So Much

Sharing the mental load isn’t just about tasks.

It’s about:

·   Feeling safe to take initiative

·   Feeling appreciated instead of evaluated

·   Feeling like you’re on the same team, even when you do things differently

When couples learn to stop moralizing preferences and start communicating priorities, everything shifts.

If you’d like more support

If this story resonated or if you’ve ever found yourself torn between wanting things done a certain way and wanting your partner to step up,  you’re not alone.

In A Better Share, I walk couples through how the mental load forms, why these dynamics get stuck, and how to redistribute responsibility in a way that feels fair, supportive, and actually sustainable.

Not by lowering standards.
Not by controlling harder.
But by understanding what’s really happening beneath the surface and learning how to share it differently.

5.0 out of 5 stars Must read!

“My husband and I both read this book and loved it. My husband said that it has fundamentally changed how he views our relationship. We had already had tons of conversations about the mental load but this book connected all the dots for him. As a result, he is more in tune with our family, taking initiative, and giving a ton of appreciation. This book has given us language and scripts to navigate tricky topics and better share the load of our home and family. 10/10!”