Why We Used to Fight About Birthday Parties—and How We Finally Shared the Mental Load

Birthday parties were notoriously one of those moments in our marriage that tended to stir up a massive amount of tension. Well—tension for me, and confusion for my husband.

He would sort of “11th-hour” it and ask the day before the party, “Is there anything I can do?” At that point, it felt insulting. Really? I’d been planning this for weeks, and you’re clearly blissfully unaware of everything I’ve been doing behind the scenes.

I would start building resentment and irritation leading up to the party, and by the time it rolled around, I felt myself becoming increasingly tense and snappy. I hated being this way on the actual party day. I’m not even a tense or snappy person, but the accumulation of all the planning, thinking, prepping, organizing, and coordinating would finally hit—and I’d be completely exhausted.

Layer that with the feeling that my efforts weren’t just misunderstood, but totally invisible to my husband. The lack of appreciation and awareness left me deeply frustrated.

A few years ago, after this same scenario culminated in a major misunderstanding—which I wrote about as the opening story of my book, A Better Share (you’ll have to read it to get the full details)—I knew something had to give. We needed a new way forward. I had a husband who was willing; he was just being way too passive, waiting for marching orders.

So this year, we took a new approach.

Here’s exactly what we did to share the load for our son’s birthday party, avoid the yearly tension, and help me feel genuinely calm on the day of the big event.

What We Did Differently This Year

1. We developed a shared language

Between last year and this year, my husband and I developed a shared language around the mental load. Time and time again, I’ve found that men tend to think of the mental load as the actual doing—the physical labor.

But that’s not the hard part.

The hard part is the worrying, the mental list-making, the researching, the planning, and the ongoing calculations we’re constantly running in our heads to try to create fun and magic for our kids.

This was the part my husband struggled to understand. Developing a shared language meant having real conversations about what the mental load actually is.

I know that isn’t always easy—and ironically, it can feel like adding more to your plate. That’s why I created two very accessible resources to help:

·   The Brief: The No-BS Audio Guide to the Mental Load for Men — where I do all the explaining and heavy lifting for you. It’s not condescending or demeaning, and it breaks everything down in a clear, efficient way.

·   A Better Share: How Couples Can Tackle the Mental Load for More Fun, Less Resentment, and Great Sex — available wherever books are sold, including audio and Kindle. This book welcomes men into the conversation and provides countless “aha” moments for couples.

Once we had a shared understanding, the practical changes became much easier.

2. We started with a shared conversation

Instead of me planning everything internally and looping him in later, we talked upfront about what we wanted. Where should the party be? Who should we invite? What kind of food made sense? What kind of party did we actually want this to be?

It wasn’t a long meeting—just enough to get aligned before moving forward.

3. We made the invisible work visible

I brain-dumped everything that needed to get done and organized it into a shared note we could both see. I even used ChatGPT to help organize the list.

What mattered most wasn’t the tool—it was that we were now looking at the same responsibilities together instead of me silently tracking them alone. This also eliminated the tendency for him to ask me what he should do. Instead, he could simply look at the list and take ownership.

4. My husband stepped into initiative

Instead of waiting for instructions, he began stepping in and communicating clearly. One day at work, he called and said, “I’m at the store. I’m going to take care of some things for Roy’s party and mark them off so you don’t duplicate work.” He did this more than once.

Another day, driving home from the airport, he said it was the day before the party and offered to stop and pick up anything that was left on the list. He handled it. He even took care of the permit paperwork for the park—including all the city forms that usually land on my plate.

Most of the running around this year was handled by him.

And yes—men often thrive with the physical labor piece. But because we shared visibility of all the invisible work, I didn’t have to manage him. That was the difference.

5. We checked in emotionally, not just logistically

Birthday parties for us tend to stack into Christmas and a family vacation, which meant we were carrying a fuller-than-usual load. My husband regularly checked in—asking how I was doing, whether I felt overwhelmed, and if there was anything I needed help talking through.

That acknowledgment alone made everything feel lighter.

6. We did a final touch base

The night before the party, we talked through timing, who was handling what, who was picking up food, and who would manage the kids during the baseball game.

We went into the day aligned instead of scrambling.

The Result Was Everything

Here’s what was different this year.

I wasn’t overwhelmed. I wasn’t irritated by the time the party arrived. I didn’t feel like I was managing him or holding everything in my head while trying to be present.

I actually enjoyed the party—and felt genuinely aligned with and appreciative of my husband.

That’s the part people often miss. When the mental load is shared—not just the physical tasks—the entire emotional tone of the relationship changes. There’s more ease. More teamwork. More space to actually enjoy the moments you’re working so hard to create.

 Why This Worked and Why It Matters

This wasn’t really about a birthday party. It was about my husband understanding the mental and emotional labor behind it, not just the errands.

When a partner truly sees and understands the mental load, they don’t need constant direction. They can think ahead, anticipate needs, and support in ways that actually help.

That understanding changes everything.

A Note for You

If you’ve ever thought, “If my partner just understood what all of this takes, things would feel so different,” you’re probably right.

That’s exactly why I created The Brief—a short, clear audio guide designed for men to understand the mental load so you don’t have to keep explaining it, justifying it, or managing the change yourself. It helps your partner see what’s happening beneath the surface and shows him how to take meaningful initiative in everyday life.

Because when understanding changes, behavior follows. And sharing the load becomes doable.And if you’d rather work through this together, my book A Better Share is the perfect place to start. Here’s what one recent reader had to say: